Knocking at Heaven's Door

From the February 7, 2007 edition of The Messenger newspaper)

Heaven – Is There Such a Place?
Dr. Sellers S. Crain, Jr. Rivergate Church of Christ, Madison Tennessee

Is there life after death? In a Calvin and Hobbs comic strip, Calvin asked Hobbs, "What if there is no after life? Suppose this is all we get?" Hobbs answered, "What the heck. I’ll take it anyway." Calvin responded, "Yeah, but if we aren't going to eventually be rewarded for our behavior, I'd like to know it now." Apparently a lot of folks agree with Calvin. A recent poll found that 89% of the Americans questioned believed in heaven, and most of them believed they are going there no matter how they live their life here.

What if there is no heaven? Have you ever really thought about it that way? If heaven does not exist, it would mean that when we die, that would be the end of our existence. The grave would be our final resting place where our bodies would await decay and putrification with no hope of resurrection. It would mean that our loved ones who died in the Lord are gone forever, and will have no hope of ever seeing them again.

Recently there was a rebroadcast of a Barbara Walters special asking the question Does Heaven Exist, and Where Is It? Ms. Walters interviewed several people from various backgrounds and religious persuasions about this question.
The number included the Dali Lama, an imprisoned Muslim terrorist and even some atheist. How can a Buddhist "spiritual leader" who does not even believe in God, a Muslim Terrorist who does not believe in Jehovah God of the Bible, and an atheist add anything to the question of whether there is a heaven or not?

Ms Walters herself when promoting her program was as asked in an interview if she believed in heaven. Her response was revealing. She paused for a few moments, as if stumbling to say the right words, and then she answered, "I am sure it is comforting to believe that heaven exists." Ms. Walters and others of her persuasion (Jewish) would say that we believe in heaven because we need to believe in heaven. I strongly disagree with that assessment and believe that we have a lot of good reasons to believe heaven exists, Let me discuss two of them with you.

WE BELIEVE IN HEAVEN BE CAUSE GOD IS THERE.

Jesus called heaven "My Father's house...” (John 14:2). Speaking for God, the Prophet Isaiah wrote, "For thus says the High and Lofty One, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: I dwell in the high and holy place" (Isaiah 57:15). David was persuaded that he would live in "the house of the Lord forever" (Psalm 23:6) There are several verses in the Revelation that declare the fact that God lives in heaven (7:15; 21:3, 7; 22:1-5).

What it will mean to be in God's house? Have you ever wanted to live like Adam and Eve did before the fall? In heaven you can. All of our real needs will be provided. A crystal stream flowing from God’s throne will water Heaven. The tree of life will be there to provide health and healing (Revelation 22:1, 2). The darkness of night will never shroud that place (Revelation 22:5). "All things will be made new" (Revelation 21:4). There will be no hospitals, no drugstores, no funeral homes, no cemeteries, and no more tears.

Knocking at Heaven’s Door from Larry Womack

I’m dead. And who is the first person I see in heaven? My old preacher, Pickens Johnson from Buchanan Street Methodist Church. I haven’t seen him since going away to college.

The welcome center in heaven looks a lot like the grand ballroom of a Marriott convention hotel where I once stayed in Los Angeles. There are a couple of hundred people just milling around nodding at one another. No food or drink is being served.
I’m wearing tan chinos, sneakers, and a navy blue lightweight sweatshirt like they sell at Target. There is nothing in my pockets.

I look for other familiar faces. I recognize my maternal grandmother, my mother, Al, who played piano in my band, and my wife, Diane. They acknowledge my presence but don’t come over to personally greet me. Continuing to look around, I see several other people from my past that I didn’t even know were dead. There are no famous people present nor are there midgets. Everyone is white and speaks (American) English.

A man in a clerical collar approaches the rostrum. “Testing (screech!) one, two, three. Would someone turn the microphone down please?”

“My name is Dr. Sellers S. Crain, Jr. former Pastor of Rivergate Church of Christ in Madison Tennessee. It is a pleasure to welcome you newcomers to heaven. For your information and much to my surprise, there is no sectarianism here only Christians. It is just my turn to introduce God to those of you who have just arrived. Though most of you are new, you may notice persons in the audience with whom you are familiar – family, friends, acquaintances, etc. Their purpose in being here is to assure you that you are dead. Being dead is easy, you have no requirement for food, drink, or rest. The other aspects of being dead will be explained later. In fact your only purpose in death is to worship God and give praise to him ad infinitum. Hallelujah, Amen!”

There is a low smattering of “amens” throughout the assembled.

“And, without further adieu, I present God!”

God steps to the rostrum. He is dressed similarly to me and is bald. I can’t tell if he lost his hair over time, has always look that way, or regularly shaves his head.

Following God onto the stage is obviously Jesus Christ. He is wearing Birkenstock sandals; a brown sackcloth robe with a hemp belt; and has long stringy hair and a beard, just like in the pictures.

Not knowing the protocol, us recently dead people are not sure what to do as God adjusts the microphone. Some of the older dead clap hesitantly and the others just stand there.

“Good Day!”

“Good Day!” we all reply.

“Told you so,” says God leaning to the microphone. He waits for laughter.

Sporadic nervous laughter sprinkles throughout the room.

“How many of you knew Jesus here as your personal savior?”

Every hand was raised. Mine, however, was done so with reluctant hesitation.

Leaning again into the microphone, God says. “Thought so.”

The laughter was more confident than before.

“I’ll ask Jesus to say a few words to you later, but first I want to welcome you to heaven. In heaven you will find no anomalies – only disease-free, white heterosexual, bible-reading, God-fearing Americans.

Speaking of the bible, it is replete with contradictions placed there mostly by well-intentioned, albeit self-serving souls. I hope to clear some of those misunderstandings during my remarks. Jesus will address a few of them as well.

I know the first question that most of you have is what is heaven really like. It is easier to start with what you will not find here. As promised, there is no pain, no disease, no hunger, no thirst, no debate, no work, no fighting, no danger, no injustice, no inequity, no hits, no runs, no errors.”

Sporadic laughing wafts through the room.

“What you will find in heaven is peace, love, and happiness. Contrary to what appears in the bible, the streets are not paved with gold. There are no streets because there is no place to go. This is it. There are no mansions. You do not need housing. Basically what we do is stroll around heaven all day. Day being a euphemism since there is no night.”

There is music, much like that which you heard in the elevators on earth; music that will offend no one. Nothing is offensive here. There is worship. Say amen!”

A loud amen rings through the hall.

And, everyone gets more than one chance to shake my hand and the hand of Jesus. There is no hole in Jesus, so don’t stay with that made-up story and bother him about it. When in our presence there is no need to fall prostrate, bow, or genuflect; a word especially familiar to you Catholics. A simple nod or occasional handshake will do. That’s about it. I will not ask you newcomers for your questions for you will find in heaven there are no answers. None needed. Thank you and welcome . . . Jesus?”

Jesus walking to the microphone says, “Anybody want a glass of wine? Just kidding. Welcome thee to heaven. In just a few moments I will lead thee through that door; heaven awaits. A place of tranquility, equality, continuity, and perpetuity. And as thee knows, I died for the sins of the world so that whole thing about judgment day is just a hoax, made up by those on earth who wanted to control thee. I’ll bet if thee had known that sooner, thee would have had a lot more fun.”

Scattered laughter.

We are glad thee are here. As thee should be; considering the alternative.”

Scattered laughter.

“Now if my staff will open the doors, we will all enter heaven. Follow me”

The doors open. Light floods the room. Jesus leads us into the light.

God Bless America

God Bless America

One president gets a blowjob and is impeached by Congress. Another president fabricates a crisis to start an unwinable war. All he gets is a non-binding resolution from Congress to stop.

God Bless America. I really mean that.

A friend told me yesterday to buy corn futures because a friend of his told him that the Bush family was now investing in alternative energy sources. His friend said he got that information from the Internet.

At a Christmas party with people I didn’t know, one fellow told me that he lost his job because of Homeland Security (ergo: the 9/11 conspiracy). He had been a dynamite truck driver who, following a minor stroke, had lost vision in one eye. Homeland Security, he said, took away his hazardous materials transport driver’s license for no good reason. Later on that same evening the strapping angry ex-truck driver invited me out back to smoke a joint with him.

God Bless America. I really mean that.

The Federal Reserve is in cahoots with foreigners to ruin the economy of the United States. The Reserve is whimsically printing dollar bills that have no value to make it appear that we are all better off than we really are. To me it looks like most of us are doing reasonably well, but that may be just an illusion created by the World Bank and the Federal Reserve to throw me off.

The stock market people must be in on the financial conspiracy, it’s reaching all-time highs just about everyday; giving me a false sense of security.

God Bless America. I really mean that.

I’m told that honest hard working people, through no faults of their own, are losing their homes to unscrupulous and greedy financial institutions. It seems these folk bought adjustable rate mortgages and the Shylocks are adjusting the rates – up!

Young men and women, who joined the National Guard solely to get the benefits, are now being told that the rifle they were issued when they joined is part of the whole package. I guess, like those being foreclosed upon, the young guardsmen didn’t read the fine print.

God Bless America. I really mean that.

The monolithic corporations of the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s are firing workers right and left. Machines are replacing those hard working Americans - a process that started in 1779 in London when Richard Arkwright sold two textile-manufacturing machines to the Smythe Carding and Fulling Mill as replacement for Ned Ludd and his brother. Someone should have seen this industrial revolution coming. They must have been asleep at the lathe.

Doctors are conspiring with hospitals and drug companies to get every penny they can from our elderly. Doctors are trained to treat sickness not in how to keep us well; hospitals take care of us as long as our money holds out; and the drug companies do not want us to know about Black Cohosh, Echinacea, Ephedra, Ginkgo, St. John's Wort, and all the other alternative medicines sold over-the-counter at Walgreen’s. I wonder who is behind all this?

God Bless America. I really mean that.

And, what about the liberal media? Or is it the conservative media? I forget. Rush Limbaugh, Bryan Williams, Larry King, Wolfe Blitzer, Bill O’Reilly, B. B. King, Jon Stewart, Tim Russert, Homer Simpson, Penn and Teller, Katie Couric, all the gay people on TV, Oprah, and Montel Williams? Are they all a part of some grand conspiracy to undermine the American way?

Speaking of the American way, where did all those Muslims and Mexicans come from? It used to be you could pronounce the name of everyone in the neighborhood. Not any more. And what about church? There used to be Protestants, Catholics, a few Jews, and some Holy Rollers. Now there are community churches with no affiliation, karaoke praise services, Christians who don’t believe in Jesus and non-Christian New Agers who do. It’s hard to find a group to beat up on these days.

God Bless America. I really mean that.

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